


you.

by loonaloves



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: F/F, and overtime she's learned to hate the spring, and she really hates her but she really loves her, but i had the idea and i HAD to write it, but she never got the chance to say it while she still could, every time spring comes around again, i'm sorry i swear i'll make a fluff soon, like she can't function anymore, she feels so gone and lost without her, sooyoung misses jiwoo, there's a certain feeling of guilt and emptiness every time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-20
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2019-06-13 14:02:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15366246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loonaloves/pseuds/loonaloves
Summary: she missed her so much. she missed her touch, she missed her laugh, she missed her warmth. everything reminded sooyoung of her.





	you.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if this fic sounds sloppy or anything or if it's boring i just wanted to write a quick little something. this isn't a project i think i'll be working on in the future so i'll keep it as a short and sweet oneshot. sorry for the long note you can read now dkdkkska my next project will be fluff i promise

The snow on the ground began to melt, allowing spring to come around again. No matter how beautiful it was outside, Sooyoung couldn't push herself to leave the apartment. She could barely force herself out of bed. Nothing felt enjoyable anymore, now that her only enjoyment was ripped away from her. Now that she was gone to never return again.

She swore she could still smell her perfume. It was nice and light and sweet. The scent still lingered on her pillow, forever keeping trace in her mind. Sooyoung laughed, she used to tell her to stop wearing it. But now, she thinks she likes it. She finds a certain serenity in it.

But at the same time, that serenity is so unwanted. She hated the false hope in waking up to smelling it every morning, thinking that maybe she returned, but always being met with the same reality. The reality that she didn't like anymore, the reality without her in it.

She looked beside her to where she laid in the bed, as if she expected her to suddenly appear. And maybe if she did, they could talk again. She liked her voice, how it was sweet and soft in the morning, how it was raspy and cold at night. How soft it was when she'd stroke her hair and tell her how much she meant to her. How loud it was when she was laughing about the stupid things with Sooyoung. Everything that came out of her mouth must have been angelic. Her voice was so beautiful, she could almost hear it in her head.

_Hi Sooyoung. I missed you._

Sooyoung closed her eyes as if to hear it better.

_Did you miss me too?_

Sooyoung nodded to the voice, "I miss you, so much." She waited for a response.

She didn't like how empty the house was without her, how it was so silent. She remembered how she used to make fun of her for being so loud. Sooyoung almost laughed in vain at that, what would she have to give to get that back? She decided she didn't like the silence. She liked her voice a lot more.

"Jiwoo," Sooyoung called out, closing her eyes tighter to try to get the voice back in her head. She felt like she was going crazy. Everything reminded Sooyoung of her. One more day, if she could just have one more day with her again, this time she wouldn't take it for granted.

"Do you still love me?" Sooyoung asked, so desperate for her answer. Closing her eyes impossibly tighter, she tried asking again. It seemed nothing worked. Sooyoung sighed, opening her teary eyes. _Just one more time, please, could you answer me?_

She sat up, feeling like a stone. She felt so empty without Jiwoo, so fucking empty she couldn't even think right. Couldn't even function, do everyday tasks without her coming in her mind. Everything she did, every simple action or movement somehow correlated back to her, and Sooyoung fucking hated it. She couldn't take it. "God damnit!" She yelled out as she punched the bed. How desperately she wanted to see her again.

Sooyoung stood on her feet and somehow still felt un-living. She could breathe and walk and talk and smile and cry and sing and run but she'd still feel gone. Her heart had already been torn out of her chest, now only an empty space that once held Jiwoo. Nothing could fix her, no soul could bring her back to life as much as Jiwoo could. Sooyoung gripped her hair tightly and felt like pulling it out of her scalp. She hated her.

She hated Jiwoo for putting her through this, she knew how much Sooyoung would struggle. She hated her for leaving and how Sooyoung didn't even get to say goodbye, she hated how she could still feel Jiwoo's presence in the house when it was nothing but fibs being played out by her mind. She hated her, she must know how much Sooyoung's struggling right now. Maybe she's even laughing at her.

Sooyoung's chest felt so hollow. The best part of her was always Jiwoo, and now it had been ripped away without second thought. She hated life for being so cruel to her. Why did she have it so unfairly? Why couldn't others have to go through the same pain in Sooyoung's head and chest as the universe so cruelly put upon her?

Her eyes were so tired from her sobs, tear after tear left her eyes until there weren't any left. She was so scared without Jiwoo, so scared because everything still revolved around her. Everything only happened if she could feel her presence, false hope fueling her heart as she'd run down to the kitchen.

_"You're making dinner," Sooyoung would say surprised, yet pointing out the obvious._

_Jiwoo would laugh, "I'm not as bad of a cook as you say. You love it!"_

_Sooyoung would hide her stupid smile from her. She'd bite her lip to suppress it and walk away without showing how lovestruck she was for Jiwoo. "Food is food."_

_She could hear Jiwoo laugh softly, "I love you," she'd remind her. She always reminded her so Sooyoung would never forget. She wanted Sooyoung to know, know how she was Jiwoo's one and only. But rather than a response she'd always be met with silence._

_Jiwoo sighed. It's okay. She doesn't have to love me._

She felt so sick in her stomach, this pressure that would never stop crushing it, never stop making her stomach churn every time she saw Jiwoo's jacket that still remained on its hanger. She was so empty without Jiwoo, she would do anything to see her again.

She lightly touched the fabric of her jacket, feeling it between to fingers. She remembers how soft her hands were when she'd hold them, how they were always so cold. "Are you still cold?" Sooyoung asked to the voice in her head. Her eyes teared up but she didn't hear a response, just how her heartbeat got faster. Maybe it was Jiwoo doing that, to remind her how much she loved her. How she'd always be in Sooyoung's heart.

Sooyoung swallowed the growing lump in her throat, looking down at the small table they'd eat at when it was them two eating a meal. She smiled, nails tracing patterns on the wood of the table like how she would to Jiwoo's scalp, writing hearts and wishes. _I hope you are doing okay_ , Sooyoung traced into the wood. But it wasn't the same.

It wasn't the same, because Jiwoo's hair was so soft and felt so nice between her fingers, because Jiwoo's body would lean onto Sooyoung's and greet her face with little kisses on every inch she could reach. She'd pepper Sooyoung with so much love, and she didn't mind that Sooyoung never returned it. It was okay. She was happy as long as Sooyoung would stick by her side.

_"You'll always be with me?" Jiwoo would ask between their cuddles as the television played their selected horror movie. She'd wrap her arms around Sooyoung like a clingy child to her mom, liking how she radiated warmth._

_Sooyoung nodded, biting the inside of her cheek. She leaned a bit away from Jiwoo to get a better look at the movie._

_But Jiwoo noticed the action and sighed, reluctantly pulling herself off Sooyoung. She didn't want to bother her if she didn't like it._

_It's okay, she told herself. As long as Sooyoung was by her side._

Sooyoung rubbed her tired eyes. "I can't sleep well without you here anymore, you know that?" Sooyoung laughed a little, moving from the kitchen to the windowsill. As winter died, spring was being welcomed. Sooyoung's eyes hurt so much. They felt worse the more she cried and even when she thinks she had run out of tears, they'd invade her eyes again and leave toxic puddles after them. They came little by little now, but each time hurt like no other. Sooyoung was convinced, you don't know what you love until you lose it. You can't tell what love is until it slips out of your hands.

Has she always been in love with Jiwoo? It was a question with an answer beyond words. What she felt was always buried deep down inside her chest, Sooyoung knew it, and it never got released until it was too late. She found so much happiness when Jiwoo did something as little as to smile at her, it filled Sooyoung with so much joy she almost couldn't believe. How did she even manage to get so lucky in the first place?

She remembered what Jiwoo said. How she always called it _fate_ , a word that didn't hold much meaning to Sooyoung back then. It's definition didn't matter because whatever it was, she already had. It was already with her and on her side, so why waste time blindly grasping for it? If it was like Jiwoo explained, she already had it. Every moment with her felt like fate to Sooyoung.

But maybe this time fate wasn't on her side. She cursed, fate took away what she didn't know was her only source of happiness until it was gone for good. She didn't want to believe in fate anymore. She didn't want to believe it was this so-called _fate_ that brought Sooyoung and Jiwoo to meet each other.

_Sooyoung hummed as she grabbed her mail, listening to the barely-there sound of birds chirping from a distance. The winter was dying as spring blossomed again, flourishing the earth in its beauty. She loved spring, how it always welcomed her like a small light at the end of a tunnel from the endless winter._

_She turned around too suddenly and was met with a crash, slamming down onto the ground beneath her mildly painfully. She furrowed her eyebrows in anger, ready to yell at the dumbass who knocked into her carelessly, as she looked up to the apologetic-looking girl._

_"Oh, my, I'm so sorry," she rapidly spat out in worry, holding out a hand to the girl she bumped into._

_"Yeah, next time-"_

_"I was just texting my grandma and I'm sorry I wasn't paying attention and I slammed into you like a careless dummy and I really shouldn't have been doing that, I don't know why I wasn't paying attention and I'm sorry," The girl said in a breath._

_Sooyoung blinked at her. She wasn't exactly sure what to say. "Who are you?"_

_The girl smiled, "I'm Jiwoo."_

Sooyoung used to love spring, but now she has grown to hate it. It was so painful, everything hurt as memories struck her mind looking out her window. She just wanted to forget, maybe then it wouldn't be painful.

She sobbed without tears, her throat so coarse and sore from the days upon days of this same routine. All she wanted was to erase her memory completely and live in her unconscious mind, where Jiwoo still roamed. Where she could still hear her voice sometimes. She wanted to see her again so badly.

She closed her eyes tight, but she's grown to dislike the darkness it was met with. Because every time she could see it so well, see how she let Jiwoo slip away so easily. Her chest hurt so badly as she quickly ran up the stairs, running to their bedroom. Sooyoung sighed, _their bedroom_. But somehow it didn't feel like that anymore. Now it just became one of the ones she'd restlessly mourn Jiwoo in.

She couldn't count how many nights she's stayed up and stared at the ceiling with tears in her eyes, thinking about the one she used to lay next to. If Jiwoo were there right now none of this would be happening. Maybe it's all Jiwoo's fault for leaving her, how she left and never returned.

_"Where are you going?" Sooyoung asked, looking at Jiwoo's suddenly shaken stance. She looked so jittery and nervous, it made Sooyoung's stomach churn in pity. Somehow, she couldn't help but to feel guilty._

_"I..." Jiwoo began, her voice unsure and shaky, matching the rest of her body. It felt like a piece of her heart had been taken away, she couldn't believe anything was real right now. "My grandmother.... I- I got a call..." Her jaw shook as she fought hard to keep the tears in her eyes. She hated crying in front of Sooyoung. She said she didn't like it when Jiwoo cried. So she never did it in front of her again._

_Sooyoung's jaw dropped to an o, brain almost not processing what was going on in front of her. "Your grandmother is..."_

_Before she could finish, Jiwoo nodded, wiping at her eyes. She had to get out of there now. She had to see her grandmother. This could not be real, there was no way in hell this was real. Her shaky hand opened the door and she stepped outside into the cool air. And she was off, but not before telling Sooyoung, "I love you," as she always did before leaving. And once again, the affection was left unreturned._

_She wondered if she'd ever hear her say it back. She could almost laugh, she'd thank all her lucky stars the day she gets to hear Sooyoung finally say it._

Sooyoung's hand was trembling, almost as much as her heart, as she slowly opened the drawer on her nightstand. She looked in, smiling at the papers and cards and little gifts in there. She pulled one out, holding it in her hands tightly as she struggled to read it.

_'Hi Sooyoung. I'm going to work now. I bought the sweet bread like you asked me to. I hope you have a good day. I love you.'_

She smiled warmly at the note, rubbing her thumb over the writing fondly. And she took out one after the other, reading each and every one of them, and she could almost feel her heart being pieced back together again. She could feel the love in every note, smiling at constantly being reminded how much she really loved her. She thinks she misses that the most.

Her soft kisses she gave Sooyoung on the forehead when she woke up early with her. Her little giggle she'd let out every time she'd hold Sooyoung's hand. Her blushing face whenever Sooyoung did as little as to compliment her. Her cute, small smile after seeing Sooyoung eat well. It was all these actions that made Sooyoung know just how much Jiwoo loved and cared for her.

_"I love you so much, you know that?" Jiwoo said through a bright smile, brushing a piece of Sooyoung's hair behind her ear. She stared at her sleeping figure fondly, questioning to the world why they made her so lucky. Jiwoo didn't know what she'd do if Sooyoung left her at this point. She loved her so much, each depth and crevice of her heart was filled with Sooyoung. Her heart fluttered every time they held eye contact. Her stomach churned beautifully every time Sooyoung smiled at her. She knows she means at least a little to  
Sooyoung, and in the end, that was good enough for her._

_Yet she couldn't help but wonder, that maybe somewhere, somewhere deep inside her heart, maybe she loves her too. Maybe even as much as Jiwoo loves her. Jiwoo got so smiley at the idea, instinctively hiding her face in Sooyoung's neck. She could feel her pulse, feel the steadiness and rhythm beating onto her cheek. Jiwoo giggled quietly at that, she loved Sooyoung so much, she was afraid she'd never understand it. But maybe if she knew how insanely in love she was, she would scare Sooyoung away. She closed her eyes tightly in fear at the thought of that._

_Jiwoo placed a hand over Sooyoung's chest, smiling into the crook of her neck. She ran her fingers through Sooyoung's hair slowly, engulfing herself completely in her body warmth. "You mean the world and more to me, my love. I know one day you'll love me too. I just know it. Please let me be in your heart forever. I want you to always be happy and full and smiling. I love you so much, my shining star," she said softly to the unconscious body with a soft kiss to Sooyoung's neck. But she'd like to think somehow, she could still hear it. Maybe she was crazy, but she swore she felt Sooyoung's heart beat faster in her chest. She grinned. She'd like to think it was her way of saying 'I love you too, Jiwoo.'_

Sooyoung held a tiny jewelry box in her hand, one kept at the very end of the drawer. She bit back a smile as she looked at every side of it. She remembered the day Jiwoo got it for her. The day before she left. The day before Sooyoung's life completely turned around.

She opened the tiny box, looking at the silver ring inside. She smiled at it, picking it up and holding it to the sunlight. She choked out a sob when her thumb rode over the embedded name in the silver. _Jiwoo._

She remembered what Jiwoo said, _so you can always have me with you_. Sooyoung nodded at the memory, fitting it on her finger one last time. It still fit perfectly. She smiled warmly, looking down at her hand. How she carried Jiwoo on it, in a way. She liked how it felt to hold a piece of her again. She wished she was still put together, how Jiwoo could build up her entire world and be the same person to make it all crumble down. All she wanted was to forget, maybe then she could live painlessly again.

_"We are so sorry to inform you, ma'am," the lady from over the phone spoke into Sooyoung's ear._

_Sooyoung refused to believe it. There was no way, that Jiwoo, her Jiwoo, died. "Are you sure? Check again, she can't be dead. I know she's not," Sooyoung cried out, rubbing her thumb over the ring Jiwoo recently gave her. Jiwoo was so scared when she gave it to her, Sooyoung could see it in her face. She was scared if she would reject it. But instead, Sooyoung enveloped her in the biggest, warmest hug she'd given and wore it immediately; 'I love it.'_

_"Ma'am, please-"_

_"No! She's not dead, I'm sorry, but she's not!" Sooyoung barked. She was so terrified of whatever nonsense the lady was speaking, she had to have been lying. Jiwoo was not gone. She wouldn't leave Sooyoung like that._

_"I am really sorry. We cannot do anything. She was involved in a fatal car crash and there was nothing we could have done," the lady explained, but Sooyoung wouldn't take it._

_She closed her eyes as they teared up even more, jaw shaking before she blew up. "Why couldn't you have done your job?!! Aren't you guys supposed to save her?? You guys sicken me! I... I can't believe this!"_

_She could hear the lady on the phone gather her breath, "We are sorry. We tried, but nothing we did could help. I am sincerely sorry for your loss."_

_Sooyoung sighed in defeat. "Okay, thanks," she said lowly and hung up the phone, throwing it across the room in anger as she yelled out in pain, knees giving out as she slid onto the floor, back against the door. She covered her eyes as her entire body shook, her mind processing everything and nothing at the same time. Her chest felt so weird and funny and this unfamiliar feeling stung her stomach. She felt so fucking nauseous._

_She cried and cried and felt so defeated, not even having enough strength to get up and go to bed. Instead, she could only sit there and cry and be trapped in her thoughts helplessly as she begged for Jiwoo back._

_No matter how much she called, it was no use. Jiwoo was gone._

Sooyoung bit her lip at the memory, everything feeling off-centered as she slipped the ring back into its case. She was hopelessly and quietly sobbing, broken cries pitifully leaving her as she tucked the case in the drawer, as well as every single note after that. She didn't bother to spare them a single look as she shoved them into the depths of the drawer with shaky hands. She couldn't bare seeing them another second, it all felt too much. She couldn't handle this pain in her chest anymore.

She tucked it away and shut the drawer, placing its lock back on it. She cried so helpless and weakly, holding the key between her shaky fingers. Her chest felt so full and so empty all at once and everything was so overwhelming, she felt as if she couldn't breathe. She looked down into the trash bin, vision so blurry she could only barely make out where it was. She whimpered, biting her lip as she gently caressed the key in her palm, closing it in her hand in a tight fist after, with so much force she could have crushed it. She closed her eyes, wanting to feel Jiwoo's touch just once more. Once more and she'll be full. Once more, and she promised she'll never ask again. All she needed was Jiwoo and it felt like the only thing she didn't have anymore. She reached out, arms landing on either side of her as she closed her eyes tighter, trying to remember Jiwoo's touch. But slowly, it was fading out of her mind, slowly, she couldn't remember the warmth Jiwoo engulfed her in. Slowly, she was forgetting her kisses, her touches, everything she wanted to feel so badly again. Now, she could only remember how much she missed them. She looked down into her palm again.

"I love you, too," the words she never returned suddenly leaving her mouth, as she dropped the key into the trash. She listened as she could hear it reach the bottom, the metal ringing against the bin. She bit her lip so hard it threatened to split, but she couldn't feel anything right now. She was only stuck in her mind. She hated that, she wanted to be free. Wanted to be free like Jiwoo was, wherever she is now must have been better than where Sooyoung is. Sooyoung looked back to the drawer with wide eyes, in an internal arguement with herself. Hesitantly, she reached out to the drawer and fiddled with the lock, shaky in her hands, as she played with it in her palm until she felt a little _click_. She tugged it just to make sure, to make sure it was locked for good and she could never open it again, because sometimes forgetting is easier than remembering. "I'm sorry."


End file.
